How do you express yourself free from judgment? The judgments of other people are my own; they all exist within me. They are there in the back of my mind, they say, "Hey, slow down, you really shouldn't be doing this, you can do it for a couple of minutes but you can't devote all your energies into it. You have to think about other things, how to make a living, how to get a job of some repute, how to raise money to do things that the normal people do. You have to be normal, you have to fit in."

Maybe I shouldn't fit in. Do I want to? Yes, but don't I already? My presence here suggests that I fit in in some respect. But I keep worrying about it. I want to be more like the other people. There are doubts in my mind when I sit down to play music, to write, to read, especially. How can I expect to express myself freely when there are constant lingering doubts occurring? There needs to be a shift in my attitude, I need to work on convincing myself that it is ok to do such things. I am too easily distracted, there is not enough focus in my general doings. I am holding back because I am preoccupied. I am worried that I will give too much of myself in something and get completely lost in it, perhaps never to return. Do I want to return? What is so good about this place of constant judgment and subtle worry? It is not fertile ground for the imagination to provide wonderful dreams and calculated predictions about how to implement these dreams. I have to take a leap of faith and just be whatever I want to be. It will only take a split second, and if it doesn't work out, then life will tell me, and I will be forced to listen. If I am convinced that the place I am in is good enough then there will be no resistance. Right now there are questions and I think that means that my current state needs tinkering. Perhaps just a little, perhaps a lot, perhaps I am just to follow the path I have been recently to get my body and mind back on track to somewhere close to where I want it to be.

One thing must not be overlooked; that is a great positive, and that is that I am much more of a possibility now. There has been a marked internal shift in disposition and default mood state. The inevitable tests have been met with more equanimity and tact. There has been more time to catch my breath and reasonably adjust to challenges without acting on impulse or compulsion. It is by no means a finished product, I am not perfect in the way I want to be in any way, however I must not disregard the improvements that my endeavours have brought to my experience. If I want to continue on this higher path then I have to acknowledge the positives as well as the challenges that I continue to face. The thought of stark reality has proven to be an almost indestructible barrier against the sometimes merciless barrage of emotional tempest and wild thought-running. Some slight tests have presented themselves over the last week, and hopefully, by the good grace of God, I can find the strength to come through it with valuable lessons and experience.

I am not too naïve to think that it is all roses. Indeed, the events of the last 6 months as I have recently recounted in other correspondence make for depressing reading, if one is susceptible to feeling involuntary compassion for others, as I so often am, so often to my own chagrin. However, the current state of my psychology and physiology, notwithstanding the inevitable slip-ups with my rituals, have become as strong as I can remember. In fact, probably stronger. I can recall a certain state of mind with this feeling fermenting in my head, almost like a latent sense of anger or frustration waiting to be struck with a match by someone from outside. It remains there for now, however with it has come a self-confidence and an assurance that was lacking for so long in the preceding years. This is perhaps not the strongest of mindsets available, in fact it musn't be, for the very presence of a latent anger implies that there is some fear of losing whatever this experience is right now. However, I must learn that all things will pass eventually, and I will no doubt suffer again something of a different nature.

Enough for now, I am growing tired and have completely lost track of my train of thought. My motivation for writing something remains but the content involves some effort, the requirements of which I am not willing to retrieve for some unknown reason. Hopefully, with more practise of the yogic rituals, these silly barriers of energy preservation can be broken down and done away with.