Licking my neck and saying she's my friend. Yes, my life is a compromise.
Am I hardening myself somehow? I am unable to release some things. It is unsettling and I am ill-at-ease. I am worried and am I indulging? What does that even mean?
Why do I think it is OK to indulge in some emotions and experiences and it's not okay for others? Why is that? Because I "shouldn't" feel something because I'm so damned lucky?
I know what it is. It's those people who told me to harden up and not to feel sorry for myself. But this exacerbates it all, don't they see? Why do I have to harden up? They can't be fucked or they don't know how to handle the situation, a little boy with a little boy's problems? A teenager with a teenager's problems? Why is this so scary? I want to purge it all out. I need to evoke it all somehow and release it. I want to scoop it up and let it dissolve into harmlessness. I want it to purify my soul. I want it out of me.
Purge. Purge. Purge. Purify. Escape. Release. Catharsis. Unleash. Rage. Cry. Despair. Sorrow. Helplessness. Humiliation. Disappointment. Urge Overkill.
I am required elsewhere it seems. Let the suffering and the stalling train of discomfort remain yet more.
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