i think I might be losing my mind. I just shook my head around like a demon (literally) which scared the shit out of me. I was scared of myself. I felt fear and I feel is remembering the situation. I think it's a cause for concern.

I don't know what to do next. just let it flow I guess. just gotta cop it, got no other choice. I guess in theory even if it feels like I'm going nowhere, theoretically I should be getting somewhere even if it's just a subtle thing. I should be moving further along. I need to ramp up my rituals, when I stop doing them for long periods shit gets all fucked up. remember what happened last time because I was a lazy cunt? I think there may be something to that, if I stop doing this practice. the difference is quite remarkable. very well, tomorrow morning I can do it...or I can do it right now. it's past midnight but it shouldn't matter. I think I should do it now, the shambhavi mahamudra. hopefully that'll fix something, put something more on track.

I don't want to lose my shit.