how can we keep going like this? I don't know why I'm doing things but I don't think I'm supposed to. I think that it is good.
I will die some day. Who am I? I don't know. Something. Continue meditating on this. You are not the body, you are not even the mind.
Somewhere there is bliss inside this machine. It is there waiting to be tapped. There must be. For a conception to occur, there must be the possibility of achieving it.
The ability to empathise, that is, one's connectedness to the whole of humanity and the rest of creation will dictate how strong one is. Surely, if I can include myself in the joys and pains of others wholeheartedly, many many lives will be included in my own. Instead of living as an isolated individual, living with and for others enhances one's experience of life manifold, and surely serves to hasten the evolutionary process of all concerned. Only the pull of individuality and my ego, and in a lot of instances, the influences of others and the collective society encourage withdrawal from the entirety of life. Paradoxically, it seems that the more one involves oneself wholly in the lives of others, the closer one gets to one's own true self, the more easily one can sit closer to the place where ideas flourish and grace descends. In my experience, I believe I have experience tastes of something high, and I must strive to abide in that highest place as much as possible, and make it the regular state of being. This is the most important thing, to cultivate this life into such a possibility that literally anything can be accomplished. It is possible to do, I know it. It must be. This body can co-operate with me. As soon as I see myself as part of the universe, the more I include myself wholly in the lives of others, the closer this possibility becomes. This must be a path to be followed, no doubt about it. Whatever is the highest possibility I can conceive for something, I must strive to accomplish that. This might be the path to unlocking the secrets of this existence, the most wonderful and perplexing thing that can ever be known: life itself.
Life is a mystery to be lived. I think signs along the way try to prepare us for things that may happen. If I pay enough attention, and live as intensely as possible, these lessons can surely be learnt. This must be the key...the very things that cause the most fear in me, the most anxiety, must be given more and more attention and intensity of my life energies, to submerge myself in these areas of life that are so unknown and to learn the lessons that are meant for me.
I think that my fear of and interest in cancer is significant, and I fear that because of my lifestyle (excessive smoking and drinking, previous history of consumption of heavily processed foods, dental problems for my whole life) may prove to combine to cause cancer. However of this I can not be sure at all. My sincere hope is to not subject myself to this disease, rather than to use this fear of death to realise more and more fully that I have more to give in life, and that the root of my fear of death is actually not death itself, it is a fear of not having given everything to have lived life in the way that my deepest core is yearning to do. This is the greatest potential tragedy to occur. I must continue to strive to live life to the absolute fullest, and whenever fear is encountered, strive to live in the moment more intensely, and let life happen the way it wants to happen. Struggling against the tide will only tire me out, life will continue flowing in the same direction.
Most importantly, I must try to realise that this flow of life is going in its own direction, and trying to pull myself every which way will not change its course. The more fighting that occurs against the flow of life, the more suffering I will cause myself and endure. Instead, I should trust the current, and where it is going, even in cases of life and death. For this current must have origins beyond the realms of life and death, and sure enough if I roll with the current and cease fighting it, it will bear me back to wherever it will go. Of what nature it is, I myself do not know, although all the sages refer to it as enlightenment, or nirvana, or other many such things. However I myself have not as yet fully conceptualized it. So I can not yet be sure. However I must strive to understand this to rid myself of all fears of death and suffering. It can be done. And it will be done.
