I am still a boy. I am a wolf in sheep's clothing. I have the outward appearance of a man which hides the many shades of existence. I am a boy and a grizzled old veteran. I am the light and the dark. I contain the many shades of grey that confuse and confound. I desire good and evil. I desire. I surrender. I am both sides of the coin, trying to exist on one side. I am the yin and the yang, I am good and evil. I am neither of these things. Inside this being there lies a dormant light being waiting to be allowed to express itself. The chains and weights of the past of life prevent it. These contradictions exist in ways that cannot be understated. One cannot give oneself to anything entirely. Everything will have a little left in reserve for survival, for the continuance of what happens next. Everything exists in the past and the future, never in the now. To live in the now is to escape oneself completely. This is an impossible task. One exists in the barriers of the mind and body, the highest perception of this being is one of body and mind. There is a very limited experience happening within this individual at this time. It is limited and it is complicated. There is a fear to expand. There is a fear to remain locked as well. This tension will either resove itself and there will be a winner or they will perpetually remain in a state of flux, never pushing anything strongly in one way or the other. This is stagnation and this is death. There is no life where this is now, there is no dynamism or movement. There is no more becoming. I am a still life form. I am a statue of a man playing out a part that is so predictable. The joke is that I can not predict it. But I have been down that road. I know where it leads, I know where it ends, I know where the final curtain call makes its unwelcome appearance.

There is a grand fear in the pursuit of life. It is the breaking out of the shell that one must come to grips with. Everything in your life up until this point have been dress rehearsals. This is the realest deal you have so far encountered and it must be faced like a man. It must be dealt with. You must break free of these chains and liberate yourself to move in the world freely. It is not your fault, it is not anyone's fault. It is all your fault, it is all everyone else's fault too. It doesn't matter. What matters is action from now on. You have to take that leap off the edge and start to make things happen. There can be no other way, this is your first life and death battle. Choose life and begin the real journey of being a man.