Why would you start a meaningful conversation and then stop it? And only engage when it's convenient? That's not how they work. They shouldn't work like that. Your attention isn't at the level required for what you started. Why start it then?

Better off leaving me alone to sort out my own shit. 2 cents don't matter. No one seems to really want to listen that much. I'm not sure that's true. I want to think like that because it gives me comfort, and right now that comfort seems to be more valuable than my emotional state. Physically I'm also fucked right now which doesn't help.

If you ask someone if they're feeling ok and they say no, why then do you start talking about yourself? Do I want to hear that? It makes me think that you want help. So I offer help. Then you say, no, I don't need help, I just accept my situation. I just wanted you to know that sometimes I feel like shit too - which doesn't help - in fact, it makes me feel more worthless because my attempt at helping you is not welcome. Because you accept that you feel bad and you don't want to do anything about it.

This sucks. I have too many thoughts going on right now. I can't express my exasperation. I want you to be someone else. Why do I always seem to do that? Why do I distort reality? Because I can't handle it. Because I'm WEAK. I am a fucking weak person. That's why I drink and smoke and masturbate and never invest myself in anything. How's that for fucking reality?

Tragedy and Acceptance

Tragedy is a requirement of life.
Tragedy is inherent to life, it is all around.
It's hard to get perspective on the grand reality with such short-sightedness. I have short-sightedness.
Everything has been leading up to this moment. This is true of every moment.

What subtle things are going on the influence the rudders of our lives and guide us to unfamiliar seas? Seas that toss and turn, rent and wave, pummelling our hulls while we feverishly shovel briney water, all the time keeping our attention on our ship, trying to save our vessel.
Not with much awareness of the nature of the seas - no idea of the origins of the waves, the mechanisms of the storms - blaming ourselves for the volume of water that piles up relentlessly.
A break in the clouds! The water evaporates, the storms cease - we breathe easier, until the final storm comes and drives us surely against the floating iceberg, until our ships break up and become the sea, and begin battering countless more ships in seas across the universe.

<3
I came to a path where I couldn’t see
The branches and leaves scratched my face, 
The canopy blocked out the Sun, only small
Bullets of light piercing through onto me and
The forest floor.
My eyes closed and my face winced,
Hands as antennae feeling through
What once was clear was now some murky hue.
Some time passed, I lost some hope, slipped away
Forgot the smell of the grass.
Unrequested, I sensed an urge, to find and seek
My former state, those old-time smells.
I clawed and struggled, cursed and pained,
And then one day a calling came. The branches moved,
The wind blew through, an unseen hand had touched the moon.
Through ceiling leaves this moonlight grew, until I bathed in it;
It rained on me, my old things, washed away, my blood and tears
And sweat all mixed, and in the moonlight looked so new.
I raised my head, and opened eyes, and met a big surprise.
The path had ended, there was no track, just a small mess at my back.
I looked across the river and saw a man I never saw before. He stared at me,
I stared at him; I started walking in the moonlight.

I feel like I'm slipping away. The situations in my experience are becoming such that I feel like I'm becoming like a zombie. The system has been designed so this will happen. My job is repetitive and mildly stimulating. It is ok for the moment, but there are long periods of blankness in my mind. I don't know if this is a good thing or not.

I don't know what's going on.

How silly!

Everything is so illogical! I am just along for this ride. I can't help so many things! I think I am in control of so many things but I'm just not. Hahahaha!

There's an unlockable part of this body that will fix absolutely everything to the way it should work to its fullest potential. I just have to find it. It must be somewhere! I have to find it. I should try to close my eyes and look for it as often as possible.

I think to start with I'll begin by imagining how it would be to feel absolutely 100% healthy. The feeling of my skin, the feeling of the air on my body, the way my mind can look at everything unobstructed, the way I can control the growth of my own hair, every single aspect of the body being absolutely functioning to its highest. How do I get there? I have to try, because everything is so ridiculous! How did I get here?

i am sad and all my friends are dead!

everything makes sense. you don't have to know it but everything makes sense and there are no mysteries, there is nothing to worry about. everything is magical and in order, you've just forgotten. I'm sure of it. it must be. the way I used to experience things, the way that I felt when I went a little inward. it's so safe there. but I think it's happening all the time. this is all just conjecture, it's an idea, but I want to find it. I want to find the safe place. I want to end the suffering of my own ignorance of this place. this mythical place that has been lost for my whole memory right now. how do I get back there? does it exist? what am I even doing? am I just creating something to do? yes. I don't even know where it is that I'm supposed to be going. I should just be natural and that's it. I'm getting very sick of trying. I'm running out of steam.