Why would you start a meaningful conversation and then stop it? And only engage when it's convenient? That's not how they work. They shouldn't work like that. Your attention isn't at the level required for what you started. Why start it then?
Better off leaving me alone to sort out my own shit. 2 cents don't matter. No one seems to really want to listen that much. I'm not sure that's true. I want to think like that because it gives me comfort, and right now that comfort seems to be more valuable than my emotional state. Physically I'm also fucked right now which doesn't help.
If you ask someone if they're feeling ok and they say no, why then do you start talking about yourself? Do I want to hear that? It makes me think that you want help. So I offer help. Then you say, no, I don't need help, I just accept my situation. I just wanted you to know that sometimes I feel like shit too - which doesn't help - in fact, it makes me feel more worthless because my attempt at helping you is not welcome. Because you accept that you feel bad and you don't want to do anything about it.
This sucks. I have too many thoughts going on right now. I can't express my exasperation. I want you to be someone else. Why do I always seem to do that? Why do I distort reality? Because I can't handle it. Because I'm WEAK. I am a fucking weak person. That's why I drink and smoke and masturbate and never invest myself in anything. How's that for fucking reality?
Thursday, 13 December 2018
Wednesday, 3 January 2018
Tragedy and Acceptance
Tragedy is a requirement of life.
Tragedy is inherent to life, it is all around.
It's hard to get perspective on the grand reality with such short-sightedness. I have short-sightedness.
Everything has been leading up to this moment. This is true of every moment.
What subtle things are going on the influence the rudders of our lives and guide us to unfamiliar seas? Seas that toss and turn, rent and wave, pummelling our hulls while we feverishly shovel briney water, all the time keeping our attention on our ship, trying to save our vessel.
Not with much awareness of the nature of the seas - no idea of the origins of the waves, the mechanisms of the storms - blaming ourselves for the volume of water that piles up relentlessly.
A break in the clouds! The water evaporates, the storms cease - we breathe easier, until the final storm comes and drives us surely against the floating iceberg, until our ships break up and become the sea, and begin battering countless more ships in seas across the universe.
Tragedy is inherent to life, it is all around.
It's hard to get perspective on the grand reality with such short-sightedness. I have short-sightedness.
Everything has been leading up to this moment. This is true of every moment.
What subtle things are going on the influence the rudders of our lives and guide us to unfamiliar seas? Seas that toss and turn, rent and wave, pummelling our hulls while we feverishly shovel briney water, all the time keeping our attention on our ship, trying to save our vessel.
Not with much awareness of the nature of the seas - no idea of the origins of the waves, the mechanisms of the storms - blaming ourselves for the volume of water that piles up relentlessly.
A break in the clouds! The water evaporates, the storms cease - we breathe easier, until the final storm comes and drives us surely against the floating iceberg, until our ships break up and become the sea, and begin battering countless more ships in seas across the universe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)